Kid Eats Q&A: Is Picky Eating Contagious for Siblings?

How do you make sure that your picky eater's eating pattern doesn't rub off on siblings?

Got more than one kid? Changes are you've got a "good" eater and a "not-so-good" eater.  

And you know how sibilings are: Sometimes they want to differentiate themselves; sometimes they want to be the same.  Either way, siblings are always influencing each other.  (And when it comes to making YOUR life more difficult, siblings are always a team.)

That's why I was thrilled to get this question from Lily.  Lily has 2 children, ages 4 and 18-months.  Lily says the 4 year old is pretty picky.  The 18-month old?  Not picky...yet.  But she's picking up the vibe.  "Yuk."  "Eww" "Gross."

Lily writes:

How do we allow one child the freedom to express how she feels about certain foods without setting up the younger child to have the same negative thoughts about those foods? The younger child is starting to become very particular herself. I'm not sure if she is picking up those signals from the older child or if she happens to feel the same way.

The answer is, forget about the food and forget about free expression!  Here are 3 lessons I recommend you teach your kids instead.

1) Be Polite

Parents are inclined to give their picky eaters a pass on what they say about food, but I say, Don't Do It.

Opinions?  Fine.  Outbursts?  Not fine.  A simple, "No thanks," will do.

Being polite at the table isn't just considerate to the chef, it's courteous to other diners.

"I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt my feelings but I worked hard on cooking this. If you don't want to eat it you don't have to, but let's be polite.  And remember, other people at the table are enjoying their food. Let's not make them feel bad about eating it."

Learning this lesson won't just help innoculate younger kids against the contagion effect, it'll help ensure your kids get invited to eat with others when they're older. Manners matter.

2) Difference Rocks

This isn't a food focused lesson; it's a life lesson. We look different. We have different ideas. We wear different clothes, enjoy different sports, and yes, eat different foods.

Point out food preferences that no one can feel bad about: "I like chocolate ice cream. You like vanilla." 

Empowering difference empowers kids.

3) This is Just a Stage.

 "You just have not tasted it enough times yet" is a great way to frame food preferences for young children.

"I didn't like rice when I was young. Now I love it. That's why it's important to keep tasting."

Encourage pea-sized samplings of everything, and instead of asking for a thumbs up or a thumbs down review, ask your children to compare different foods: 

• "Is this chicken as spicy as the chicken we had last week?" 
• "Do you think this apple is as crunchy as the pear?"
• "Does this smell like your dad's old sneakers or the flowers in the garden?" 

It doesn't even matter what the questions are. The goal is to engage your children's curiosity (and train them for scientific inquiry).  If tasting is too much, engage the other senses first.

Read Nix the Negativity, Unleash Your Toddler's Inner Food Critic! and Teach Your Way Out of a Picky Eating Problem with Sensory Education.

Finally, don't take your kids' likes and dislikes too seriously.

Don't be held hostage by your kids' taste buds (or their assessment of their own taste buds).  

As long as you provide something at every meal that you can reasonably expect your kids to eat (i.e. they happily ate it two days ago) feel free to cook what you want to cook. It's not selfish. It's the only way you can give your children the time they need to roll the idea of eating something new around in their minds.  Read Let Your Kids Sit with Their Own Struggles.

Remember, kids don't have stable taste preferences.  They don't always know what they like. What they do know is what they're willing to eat. And you can shape that...not by focusing on food, but by focusing on habits.

Read What "I don't like it" Really Means and The Easy Way to Solve Your Toddler's Decision to Suddenly Refuse Certain Foods.

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~

Cooking with Kids

Even chefs sometimes raise picky eaters.

"I find it inconceivable that my daughter won't eat what I cook," Wade Burch, the executive chef at 11 restaurants told The New York Times recently.

It makes me feel better to know that someone who oversees the cooking in 11 restaurants sometimes has trouble feeding his 3 daughters—one of whom is named Brie because her mother ate a lot of cheese while she was pregant—because it used to piss me off when my daughter would summarily dismiss something I had spent time cooking. 

I also find it hilarious that Burch can't believe his kids could be picky. (As if people who cook well are immune.)

Anyway, in this article Burch and his daughters set out to make Summer Corn Soup.  Read the article both for the cooking adventure and for the recipe: Palates, Like Children, Grow.

Cooking with your kids is a good idea but it doesn't guarantee your kids will eat what they prepare.

Burch predicts at the outset of the cooking session which child will eat the soup and which ones won't. He wasn't surprised when his prediction comes true, and neither was I.

If you are parenting a picky eater, don't expect cooking together to automatically solve your child's picky eating problem. 

I'm not saying that cooking together isn't a good idea. To the contrary, cooking with your children is a great idea. It exposes your kids to a wide range of ingredients. It helps your kids develop necessary survival skills. Cooking together is also a bonding experience.

It's just that cooking alone isn't enough to change how most picky eaters eat. 

What does help? First:

• Realize that young children don't have stable taste preferences. Read You Can't Feed Your Way Out of a Picky Eating Problem.
• Remember there is a difference between what your child likes and what your child is willing to eat. Read What "I don't like it" Really Means.

Then, take a page out of Chef Burch's playbook: 

• Take the rejection in stride. Don't make a big deal out of it and you won't fuel the fire.
• Don't offer up a food alternative. Instead, let your kids make do with what's on the table.

If you feed to your children's narrow taste preferences you'll reinforce their narrow palates.

And, if you become a short-order chef, you won't just drive yourself crazy, but you'll also deny your children the time they need to grapple with their food "issues."

I know that sounds weird, but think about it this way: If "offensive" food is always out of sight, it will always be out of mind.

I am absolutely not suggesting that you force your kids to eat, or even to try, food they don't want to eat. That will only reinforce the standoff.

Children need time to stare offensive food "in the face." They need time to think, to ponder, to consider, and to struggle.  Eventually they'll eat.

You have to expect kids to eat new foods, without pressuring or forcing them to do so.

That's a delicate dance. However,

• The expectation comes from the structure: "This is what we're eating tonight."
• The lack of pressure comes from your attitude: "Take it or leave it."  
• Then make sure there's something on the table you know your children would eat if they wanted to.

Read How Cottage Cheese Changed My Life and The Easy Way to Solve Your Toddler's Decision to Suddenly Refuse Certain Foods.

You might not be able to turn out the kinds of side dishes that Burch does.

When Burch's daughters shunned the soup they nibbled on two side dishes—fried tortillas and a tomato and avocado salad—but you could just put out some potatoes.

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~ 

End Picky Eating With The Rotation Rule

Want to change how your kids eats? Implement The Rotation Rule. I promise, it will change your life.

That's no exaggeration. I've had parents tell me that implementing The Rotation Rule, doing just this one thing, changed their lives: kids started being more adventurous, they asked to taste foods, some kids even started eating the occasional vegetable!

The Rotation Rule is simple: Don't serve the identical food two days in a row.

And by extension...don't serve an identical food twice in one day. (Parents with cheese stick-aholics, I'm talking to you.)

Read House Building 101.

Most parents already implement a version of The Rotation Rule, but they do it only at dinner.

If you have family dinners, meals probably change from night to night.

All other meals and snacks, however, are typically handled with a small number of go-to foods.

And therein lies the problem: 

• Day after day, at every eating opportunity except for dinner, kids eat a repetitious diet of familiar, warm and fuzzy foods that they come to expect.

• Control over eating decisions shifts from kids during the day to parents at dinner.  (You may think you are in control, but if you serve foods because you know your kids will eat them, your kids are really in charge of the eating plan.)

This feeding style encourages children to get locked into a patterned way of eating that unintentionally teaches kids to prefer "child-friendly" fare, not to try new foods, and to resist your efforts to teach them to eat right.

You need a coherent feeding strategy.

Without a strategy, every eating opportunity has to be dealt with on its own terms.  

In other words, parents end up winging it based on...

1) Some version of nutrition that they carry around in their heads. (Nobody has the whole thing covered, and everyone worries about different things.

2) The answer to three questions: 

• Will my child eat it?
• Is it relatively healthy? Or, at least, is it healthier than other available options?
• Has my child already had too much junk?

Winging it doesn't really work.

When there is no feeding strategy, parents can't:

• Be consistent.
• Communicate the reasons behind food-related decisions to their kids so the kids never know the game plan.
• Stop the constant negotiation that kids seem to like so much.

And, when you constantly look inside food to see the nutrients you stop paying attention to taste and texture, the factors that shape kids habits.  Read The (Chocolate) Milk Mistake.

The Rotation Rule solves all of these problems.

The key to implementing The Rotation Rule sucessfully? Choices and reassurance.

Choices: You set the rotation structure; your kids choose the specifics.

Reassurance: Kids need to know their favorites aren't gone forever.

• "Would you like waffles or eggs?"
• "Toast"
• "You had toast yesterday. You can have toast again tomorrow but today you have to have something different. Would you like waffles or eggs?"

The next day... 

• "Yesterday you said you wanted toast, and I said you could have it tomorrow.  Well, now it's tomorrow. Do you still want toast? Or would you like yogurt?"

How different do foods in the rotation have to be?

Only you know your child, but ideally you would rotate between foods that are really different: cereal one day, eggs the next.

If you have a child who is particularly picky, or who has issues with sensory sensitivity, your rotation might be more subtle: different brands of blueberry yogurt, slight variations in the texture of the apple sauce.

Other things to know:

1. Only use the kinds of foods your child already eats.  Save the "real" new stuff for later. 
2. Don't keep the strategy a secret. Communicate The Rotation Rule—and your rationale for using it— to your kids.

Read about how to use The Rotation Rule in real life.

• Eating, Seen Through Your Child's Eyes
• The BIG Fix: What To Do When Feeding Strategies Fail
• Kid Eats Q&A: How do you handle it when your children protest the new food on their plates or when they want something else for their meal or snack? 
• When You're Too Tired to Cook.
• Breakfast: The Most Important Meal of the Day

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~