The Road Less Traveled

Sometimes you gotta do things you never thought you’d do.

Like let your kids eat in front of the TV.  Or eat sugary cereal.  Or cater to their cravings for chicken nuggets. Don’t feel guilty. Sometimes, letting your kids graze-on-the go is the right thing to do.

If you are locked in a battle over breakfast, you’ve got to change the dynamic.  TV might be just the ticket—even if this tactic goes against every parenting instinct you possess.

Sometimes you have to be willing to consider the unthinkable.

Consider this scenario: Your child won’t eat breakfast unless you sit at the table with her. 

Under ordinary circumstances you don’t mind sitting down for a little one-on-one table time with your tot.  The problem is, it takes you about 3 seconds to tackle your toast and then…you have to get dressed for work. Or you have another child who needs to be dressed for school.  Or mornings are the time when you find yourself running between the kitchen and the laundry machine.  Or there’s some other real event that prevents you from lingering in the kitchen while your kid dawdles.  

If you’re like most families, the meal begins with a brief period of calm (while you’re sitting at the table) followed by increasing levels of stress while you encourage your child to hurry up, take a few bites, or to eat more while she either a) patently ignores you or b) has a meltdown.  Pressure meets resistance.  More pressure meets more resistance. 

After awhile, both you and your child approach the morning meal with reluctance, opposition, and strain and your child’s eating goes from bad to worse.  What can you do?

1. Turn on the TV so your child has “company” and go about your business of getting ready.  Or you can…
2. Serve a cereal your child is sure to fire down. Or you can…
3. Let your child graze-on-the-go.

I’m not saying that using the TV or a sugary cereal will automatically resolve the problem at hand—you may have to search for another unsavory solution—but I am saying that you have to change how you interact with your child in these moments in order to change the outcome.  It’s the only way to reduce the pressure.  Read The Pressure-Cooker Problem.

If the idea of turning on the tube during mealtimes makes you hyperventilate, don’t panic.

I’m talking about a temporary fix, not a permanent solution.  You can turn off the TV (or get your kids to sit at the table, revert to healthy breakfasts, etc.) once you get over whatever hump is holding you up. But get over the hump you must. Otherwise you’ll be stuck in the same interactions forever.

It’s kind of like the argument I make for introducing kids to spinach with a creamed, not a steamed, delight: the creamier version is an easier sell. It’s all fine and good to insist on the healthier option upfront, but if your kids won’t go near it, where do your high standards get you?  You can always move on to other ways of serving spinach once your kids willingly eat it. Read When the Less Nutritious Choice is Right. 

Sometimes you have to go through the back door to get where you’re going.

It doesn’t matter whether your goal is to get your kids to consume more vegetables or to encourage them to finish their meals in less than 45 minutes, you might have to use an unsavory solution, one you swore you’d never employ.

And I get it. By asking you to consider an unsavory solution, I’m asking you to consider violating one parenting principle for another (TV habits vs. eating habits), and to risk replacing one problem with another: Do you really want your kids to be great eaters if they become television addicts in the process?

Your concerns are not unfounded.  After all, everyone knows at least one family where these tactics have been abused.  But by failing to consider the unconscionable, parents often get in their own way.

Believing any change is permanent—and that you get only one change per problem—trips parents up.

 In practice, you may have to go through a sequence of changes to get where you're going.  

1. Consider a concession that makes you crazy.
2. Reduce the pressure. 
3. Resolve the original problem.
4. Correct the correction before it becomes entrenched.

The trick is to keep your eyes on the prize, see the larger picture, focus on the forest not the trees, and never win the battle only to lose the war. (Surely there are other cliches but I'm sure you get my point!) 

~Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.~ 

The Pressure-Cooker Problem

If you want your kids to try new foods you have to stop pressuring them.

Even if pressure gets your kids to eat a few more bites of something, what have you really gained? 

• A few more bites in the belly won't teach your kids to like whatever you're forcing them to eat.
• A few more bites in the belly won't make the difference between health and sickness.
• A few more bites in the belly won't save your kids from starvation.  It won't even keep them sleeping more peacefully through the night.
• And, a few more bites in the belly won't encourage your child to try new foods.

If your kids don’t eat the way you want them to, you can change things.  Trust me, it's tricky— but you can do it. All you have to do is go against every instinct you have and pull back on the pressure.  Read Two More Bites.

Pressure (even if you think of it as friendly persuasion) doesn’t work.

Sometimes pressure can be quite subtle. 

Parents have lots of ways of putting on the pressure.  I'm not just talking about the kind where you serve last night's dinner for breakfast. (You don't do that, do you?)  In fact, you don't have to actively bully, bludgeon, or browbeat your kids to get your point across.

If any of the following statements sound familiar, you may be pressuring your children more than you know:

• My child should eat all of the food on his/her plate.
• If my child says, “I’m not hungry,” I try to get him/her to eat anyway.
• If my child eats only a small helping I try to get him/her to eat more.
• When my child says he/she is finished eating I try to get my child to eat one more (two more, etc.) bites of food. 

Research shows you may also be pressuring your children if you:

• Reward them with dessert.
• Show disapproval for not eating.
• Offer favorite foods in exchange for good behavior.
• Withhold food for bad behavior.    

Instead of pressuring your kids...

I know it seems like there's nothing left to do because everything seems like pressure, but don't despair.

You can encourage your kids to eat a healthy diet and even reward them for doing so.   (Just make sure the reward is small, and definitely not dessert.  It also helps to reduce pressure if the reward is not immediately after the meal—a small delay works best.)

The key is to foster an environment shaped by a clear set of boundaries and expectations, communication and encouragement.  For specific ideas on how to do that read any (or all) of the following:

• Curbing Your Kids' Craving for Control
• It Doesn't Matter When Your Kids Eat Their Crap
• 10 Ways Improving Your Kids' Snacking Will Improve YOUR Life
• You Can't Feed Your Way Out of a Picky-Eating Problem
• How Cottage Cheese Changed My Life
• Lollypops Whenever They Want?
• Playing For Peas
• When Less is More
• Wheelin' and Dealin': 10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Trade Peas for Pie.
• The "Clean Your Plate" Club
• Unleash Your Toddler's Inner Food Critic!

 ~ Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits. ~

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Sources:

Patrick, H., T. A. Nicklas, S. O. Hughes, and M. Morales. 2005. “The Benefits of Authoritative Feeding Style: Caregiver Feeding Styles and Children's Food Consumption Patterns.” Appetite 44(2): 243-49.

Sud, S., N. Carmela Tamayo, F. S. Myles, and K. L. Keller. 2010. “Increased Restrictive Feeding Practices Are Associated With Reduced Energy Density in 4-6-Year Old, Multi-Ethnic Children At Ad Libitum Laboratory Test-Meals.” Appetite 55: 201-07.

Musher-Eizenman, D. and S. Holub. 2007. “Comprehensive Feeding Practices Questionnaire: Validation of a New Measure of Parental Feeding Practices.” Journal of Pediatric Psychology 32(8): 96--972.

Jansen, E., S. Mulkens, Y. Emond, and A. Jansen. 2008. “From the Garden of Eden to the Land of Plenty. Restriction of Fruit and Sweets Intake Leads to Increased Fruit and Sweets Consumption in Children.” Appetite 51: 570-75.

Galloway, A. T., L. M. Fiorito, L. A. Francis, and L. L. Birch. 2006. “'Finish Your Soup': Counterproductive Effects of Pressuring Children to Eat on Intake and Affect.” Appetite 46(3): 318-23.

It Doesn't Matter WHEN Your Kids Eat Their Crap

Parents are obsessed with the order in which their kids eat food!

Or at least that is what an alien visitor would probably conclude.

• “Finish your food.  Then you can have dessert.”
• “Two more bites of broccoli before you eat your brownie.”
• “If you want some ice cream you have to eat your pizza first.”
• “No, you may not have candy before breakfast. You have to wait until after lunch.”

But really, it doesn’t matter when your kids eat their crap; what matters is how much crap they eat.

Trying to control when your kids eat their sweets and treats is a losing battle.

As far as I can tell, parents don’t fixate on regulating the order of their kids’ eating because they’re concerned about etiquette. (Although, on some level it is true that we do need to teach our little heathens not to attack dessert first so they’ll pass muster at their first black-tie event, but that’s material for another post.)  

Instead, parents become timekeepers for two reasons:

1) Parents are convinced that without a little incentive their kids would never touch anything green.

2) Parents are trying to convey something about the relative importance of sweets and treats compared to vegetables and other healthy foods: sweets come last because they’re less essential.

Unfortunately, neither goal can be accomplished by holding out on sweets and treats.

Research shows that:

1) Bribing kids to eat broccoli is a surefire way to ruin its reputation — I’m having flashbacks to high school, and it’s not pretty — just as it reinforces the superior status of sweets.  So kids learn that vegetables are important (like chores) but not desirable. This lesson lasts a lifetime.

2) Pressuring kids to eat something (and bribing or controlling the order in which your kids get to eat is indeed a form of pressure) makes kids eat less of the target food. 

Trying to put vegetables and other healthy fare first doesn’t actually work.

Letting your kids control when they eat their sweets and treats isn’t the same thing as giving them a free-for-all. 

You still need to provide some structured guidance.

1) Rather than teach your children that they need to eat healthy foods before they eat their sweets and treats, teach them the about proportion. In other words, teach your kids to eat more healthy foods and less sweets and treats overall. Read It Doesn’t Matter What Your Kids Eat!

2) Set a daily or weekly limit on sweets and treats and then let your children decide when they get the goodies.  If you’re worried that candy before dinner will ruin your kids’ appetite, make sure the serving size is small.  It won’t just solve your immediate problem; it’s also the right lesson for your kids to learn.  Read Candy with Breakfast?

3) Reinforce the message at parties and other special-eating events where the desserts always look fabulous.  Don’t insist your kids eat the healthy offerings before the desserts. Instead, give your kids some guidance on the goodies, and then direct them to the mains if they’re still hungry. (And make yourself feel better by remembering that at these events the healthy food isn’t usually that healthy anyway.)

4) Consider serving the dessert at the same time as the dinner.

5) Upgrade the quality of your kids’ snacks to include more fruits and vegetables and take the pressure off dinner.  Read 10 Ways Improving Your Kids’ Snacking Will Improve YOUR Life.

Release yourself (and your kids) from the bondage of time.  It will teach your kids the habits they need for a lifetime of healthy eating (and eliminate at least one of the headaches of parenting). 

Read How Do I Get My Child to Eat More Growing Foods?

~ Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits. ~